| The U. S., admitting is has been losing the | | | | prosperity. We've finally got our act |
| war of words in Iraq, has launched a new | | | | together now and, I promise you, we're going |
| offensive, dubbed Operation Thesaurus. It is | | | | to use the complete resources of the English |
| aimed at rooting out the euphemistic | | | | language to tell the Iraqi people that their |
| resources of the enemy, wherever they may be | | | | current suffering is due solely to the |
| lurking. | | | | activities of the thugs who have deceitfully |
| | | | attempted to co-opt the term 'liberators' for |
| Clearly stung by the aptitude of Iraqi | | | | themselves." |
| malcontents and foreign interlopers to | | | | |
| present themselves as defenders of Iraqi | | | | He went on to say, "For example, my friends |
| sovereignty and Muslim religiosity, the | | | | and fellow quail shooters, if the oil |
| administration has vowed to turn the | | | | pipelines had not been repeatedly blown up, |
| linguistic tables on them. | | | | oil would have long ago been flowing freely |
| | | | to the Iraqi people, who now, despite their |
| In a hastily arranged press conference, | | | | copious reserves, suffer oil shortages, and |
| President Bush announced, "I'm launching | | | | it would have been flowing out to the world |
| Operation Thesaurus on the advice of some new | | | | as the ready source of new wealth the nation |
| advisors, who have a knock-your-socks-off | | | | desperately needs to rebuild itself. The |
| grasp of the obvious." | | | | streets would have been peaceful, permitting |
| | | | everyday social activities and the secure |
| He went on to explain, "I now realize that | | | | conduct of business. The various factions |
| the tricky verbal tactics of 'these insidious | | | | that make up the society would not be, though |
| new oppressors of the Iraqi people,' as my | | | | the calculated murder of members of their |
| new advisors call them, have allowed them to | | | | various segments, at virtual civil war. |
| redefine the American liberation of Iraq as | | | | Finally, and most tellingly, the thousands of |
| 'the occupation,' and to misname coalition | | | | coalition forces and Iraqi citizens who have |
| forces, not as liberators, but as | | | | died after the fall of Saddam Hussein would |
| 'occupiers.' This verbal 'slight of tongue' | | | | still be alive. It is, as the President says, |
| is only one instance of how this ruthless | | | | time to 'retake the verbal high ground.'" |
| enemy has infiltrated the English language. | | | | |
| | | | Meanwhile, Mr. Rumsfeld, ever the |
| It pains me to acknowledge that they have | | | | thoroughgoing manager, has ordered that every |
| somehow managed to permeate the media with | | | | member of the military be equipped with a |
| their verbal chicanery and occasionally - I | | | | personal, Kevlar-reinforced thesaurus. He has |
| admit it - my own speech has been susceptible | | | | also rummaged through his own oft-referenced |
| to the invasion. | | | | synonym finder and suggested acceptable |
| | | | alternates for the usual nomenclature of the |
| But now I get it, and, once I get it, I got | | | | war. He states, "They will help bring the |
| it. I now see that the entire American | | | | enemy to its knees in the decisive war of |
| effort, as well as my approval rating - | | | | words." |
| which, as you know, I hardly ever think about | | | | |
| - is threatened by these evil word | | | | We were able to obtain a copy from a staffer |
| deceptions. As a result, I have ordered the | | | | who has proved to be an unusually reliable |
| military to retake the verbal high-ground." | | | | source of leaks. Mr. Rumsfeld's |
| | | | recommendations are included here merely for |
| Responding with his usual dutiful clarity, | | | | reference. |
| Donald Rumsfeld has vowed to weed out | | | | |
| linguistic lapses in the military, even in | | | | Donald Rumsfeld's suggested synonyms for the |
| his own generally guarded vocabulary. He | | | | word "jihadist": murderer, killer, slayer, |
| stated, with unaccustomed candor, "I regret | | | | manslayer, man-killer, cutthroat, thug, |
| to say that widespread linguistic lapses in | | | | poisoner, stranger, impaler, assassin, |
| the military - even some made by yours truly | | | | liquidator, gunman, knifer, hired guy, hit |
| - in verbal security have only served to | | | | man, triggerman, hatchet man, executioner, |
| encourage the euphemistic advantages the | | | | decapitator, headsman, beheader, lyncher, |
| enemy seeks to achieve. As part of Operation | | | | hangman, garrotter, butcher, slaughterer, |
| Thesaurus, I myself will never again refer to | | | | ripper, mass killer, mass-slayer, |
| these ruthless killers as 'jihadists' and to | | | | exterminator, annihilator, destroyer, |
| their counterproductive cause as 'jihad.' I | | | | blood-spiller, blood-shedder, and |
| now know understand that these two seemingly | | | | blood-letter. |
| innocent denotations actually confer the | | | | |
| legitimacy of recognized nomenclature on | | | | His suggested synonyms for "jihad": see |
| their bloody activities." | | | | above, along with homicide, fratricide, |
| | | | infanticide, patricide, matricide, |
| He has also vowed to eliminate any use by the | | | | self-impoverishment, self-annihilation, and |
| military of the word "insurgents," as well as | | | | plain counterproductive activity. |
| the oft-employed variant, "the insurgency." | | | | |
| He contends that the suspect terms | | | | Rumsfeld's suggested synonyms for the word |
| inadvertently lend these bombers and | | | | "insurgents": see above, along with villains, |
| assassins "a regrettable whiff of | | | | knaves, scoundrels, rogues, |
| inappropriate patriotic zeal." He concluded | | | | good-for-nothings, monsters, demons, devils, |
| by saying, "Here are these blatant | | | | hellhounds, fiends, rascals, mischief-makers, |
| malefactors, trying to present themselves as | | | | traitors, conspirators, snakes in the grass, |
| defenders of Iraqi sovereignty and the Muslim | | | | back-stabbers, gangsters, mobsters, |
| religion, when all they want to do is | | | | desperados, terrorists, thuds, muggers, |
| establish a Talibanesque tyranny. Why, to | | | | ruffians, hoodlums, hooligans, felons, |
| justify their irreligious atrocities, they've | | | | larcenists, lawbreakers, transgressors, |
| even misinterpreted a religion that does, to | | | | offenders, culprits, wrongdoers, evildoers, |
| some extent, lend itself to | | | | malefactors, and, in religious condemnation, |
| misinterpretation, but whose very name stands | | | | sinners, heretics, schismatics, apostates, |
| for 'peace.'" | | | | renegades, unbelievers, heathens, and, of |
| | | | course, infidels (British variant: bloody |
| Dick Cheney, attending a convention of | | | | infidels). |
| amateur quail hunters at a hospital in | | | | |
| Wyoming, said, "The secondary thrust of | | | | His suggested synonyms for "the insurgency": |
| Operation Thesaurus will be to communicate to | | | | sedition, subversion, treason, riot, civil |
| the Iraqi people and dissenters worldwide | | | | disorder, mob-law, street-fighting, turmoil, |
| that, had not the so-called but, we now | | | | chaos, waywardness, disobedience, |
| realize, misnamed insurgency taken place, | | | | insubordination, noncompliance, lawlessness, |
| they would have by now occupied a peaceful | | | | and inconceivably stupid, self-defeating |
| land and be well along the road to a new | | | | behavior. |