| The U. S., admitting is has been losing the war of | | | | finally got our act together now and, I promise |
| words in Iraq, has launched a new offensive, | | | | you, we're going to use the complete resources |
| dubbed Operation Thesaurus. It is aimed at | | | | of the English language to tell the Iraqi people that |
| rooting out the euphemistic resources of the | | | | their current suffering is due solely to the |
| enemy, wherever they may be lurking. | | | | activities of the thugs who have deceitfully |
| Clearly stung by the aptitude of Iraqi malcontents | | | | attempted to co-opt the term 'liberators' for |
| and foreign interlopers to present themselves as | | | | themselves." |
| defenders of Iraqi sovereignty and Muslim | | | | He went on to say, "For example, my friends and |
| religiosity, the administration has vowed to turn | | | | fellow quail shooters, if the oil pipelines had not |
| the linguistic tables on them. | | | | been repeatedly blown up, oil would have long ago |
| In a hastily arranged press conference, President | | | | been flowing freely to the Iraqi people, who now, |
| Bush announced, "I'm launching Operation | | | | despite their copious reserves, suffer oil |
| Thesaurus on the advice of some new advisors, | | | | shortages, and it would have been flowing out to |
| who have a knock-your-socks-off grasp of the | | | | the world as the ready source of new wealth the |
| obvious." | | | | nation desperately needs to rebuild itself. The |
| He went on to explain, "I now realize that the | | | | streets would have been peaceful, permitting |
| tricky verbal tactics of 'these insidious new | | | | everyday social activities and the secure conduct |
| oppressors of the Iraqi people,' as my new | | | | of business. The various factions that make up |
| advisors call them, have allowed them to redefine | | | | the society would not be, though the calculated |
| the American liberation of Iraq as 'the occupation,' | | | | murder of members of their various segments, |
| and to misname coalition forces, not as liberators, | | | | at virtual civil war. Finally, and most tellingly, the |
| but as 'occupiers.' This verbal 'slight of tongue' is | | | | thousands of coalition forces and Iraqi citizens |
| only one instance of how this ruthless enemy has | | | | who have died after the fall of Saddam Hussein |
| infiltrated the English language. | | | | would still be alive. It is, as the President says, |
| It pains me to acknowledge that they have | | | | time to 'retake the verbal high ground.'" |
| somehow managed to permeate the media with | | | | Meanwhile, Mr. Rumsfeld, ever the thoroughgoing |
| their verbal chicanery and occasionally - I admit it | | | | manager, has ordered that every member of the |
| - my own speech has been susceptible to the | | | | military be equipped with a personal, |
| invasion. | | | | Kevlar-reinforced thesaurus. He has also |
| But now I get it, and, once I get it, I got it. I now | | | | rummaged through his own oft-referenced |
| see that the entire American effort, as well as | | | | synonym finder and suggested acceptable |
| my approval rating - which, as you know, I hardly | | | | alternates for the usual nomenclature of the war. |
| ever think about - is threatened by these evil | | | | He states, "They will help bring the enemy to its |
| word deceptions. As a result, I have ordered the | | | | knees in the decisive war of words." |
| military to retake the verbal high-ground." | | | | We were able to obtain a copy from a staffer |
| Responding with his usual dutiful clarity, Donald | | | | who has proved to be an unusually reliable source |
| Rumsfeld has vowed to weed out linguistic lapses | | | | of leaks. Mr. Rumsfeld's recommendations are |
| in the military, even in his own generally guarded | | | | included here merely for reference. |
| vocabulary. He stated, with unaccustomed candor, | | | | Donald Rumsfeld's suggested synonyms for the |
| "I regret to say that widespread linguistic lapses in | | | | word "jihadist": murderer, killer, slayer, manslayer, |
| the military - even some made by yours truly - in | | | | man-killer, cutthroat, thug, poisoner, stranger, |
| verbal security have only served to encourage | | | | impaler, assassin, liquidator, gunman, knifer, hired |
| the euphemistic advantages the enemy seeks to | | | | guy, hit man, triggerman, hatchet man, |
| achieve. As part of Operation Thesaurus, I myself | | | | executioner, decapitator, headsman, beheader, |
| will never again refer to these ruthless killers as | | | | lyncher, hangman, garrotter, butcher, slaughterer, |
| 'jihadists' and to their counterproductive cause as | | | | ripper, mass killer, mass-slayer, exterminator, |
| 'jihad.' I now know understand that these two | | | | annihilator, destroyer, blood-spiller, blood-shedder, |
| seemingly innocent denotations actually confer the | | | | and blood-letter. |
| legitimacy of recognized nomenclature on their | | | | His suggested synonyms for "jihad": see above, |
| bloody activities." | | | | along with homicide, fratricide, infanticide, patricide, |
| He has also vowed to eliminate any use by the | | | | matricide, self-impoverishment, self-annihilation, and |
| military of the word "insurgents," as well as the | | | | plain counterproductive activity. |
| oft-employed variant, "the insurgency." He | | | | Rumsfeld's suggested synonyms for the word |
| contends that the suspect terms inadvertently | | | | "insurgents": see above, along with villains, knaves, |
| lend these bombers and assassins "a regrettable | | | | scoundrels, rogues, good-for-nothings, monsters, |
| whiff of inappropriate patriotic zeal." He concluded | | | | demons, devils, hellhounds, fiends, rascals, |
| by saying, "Here are these blatant malefactors, | | | | mischief-makers, traitors, conspirators, snakes in |
| trying to present themselves as defenders of | | | | the grass, back-stabbers, gangsters, mobsters, |
| Iraqi sovereignty and the Muslim religion, when all | | | | desperados, terrorists, thuds, muggers, ruffians, |
| they want to do is establish a Talibanesque | | | | hoodlums, hooligans, felons, larcenists, lawbreakers, |
| tyranny. Why, to justify their irreligious atrocities, | | | | transgressors, offenders, culprits, wrongdoers, |
| they've even misinterpreted a religion that does, | | | | evildoers, malefactors, and, in religious |
| to some extent, lend itself to misinterpretation, | | | | condemnation, sinners, heretics, schismatics, |
| but whose very name stands for 'peace.'" | | | | apostates, renegades, unbelievers, heathens, and, |
| Dick Cheney, attending a convention of amateur | | | | of course, infidels (British variant: bloody infidels). |
| quail hunters at a hospital in Wyoming, said, "The | | | | His suggested synonyms for "the insurgency": |
| secondary thrust of Operation Thesaurus will be | | | | sedition, subversion, treason, riot, civil disorder, |
| to communicate to the Iraqi people and dissenters | | | | mob-law, street-fighting, turmoil, chaos, |
| worldwide that, had not the so-called but, we now | | | | waywardness, disobedience, insubordination, |
| realize, misnamed insurgency taken place, they | | | | noncompliance, lawlessness, and inconceivably |
| would have by now occupied a peaceful land and | | | | stupid, self-defeating behavior. |
| be well along the road to a new prosperity. We've | | | | |